Day 11 of abstinence.
Water: not enough drunk today.
Benefits so far:
- Starting to be able to fit into my clothes again without seams bursting.
- Increased sentience, control and calmness.
- Objectivity about food eating.
- Breathlessness gone!
- Joint pain diminishing.
- Energy beginning to return in fits and starts.
- Skin healthier.
- Increased suppleness.
But, oh my, raise the alarms! My daughter Daisy's birthday today: the site of so many birthday croissant, warm bagels, cream cheese and smoked salmon at breakfast raised combined with a busy and testing early morning (staring with me fixing the toilet cistern at 0730) became part of the fuel for allowing myself to develop a strong sense of 'hunger' and appetite.
My resolve held firm but, each time the delicious looking and smelling food was broken out and as I prepared it, I felt the distance between my desire to lapse and the action to do so become smaller and smaller.
Later this evening at Jakes, our local, favourite restaurant where I waited for Daisy and Maria with Jane, my youngest I noticed some curious logic floating through my head: we were occupying a table for four people, if I don't at least order something then, that will be bad form as the costings will be based on each booked cover (as they call it in the trade) ordering at least something. And then... and then what? Well, I told myself first that the waiting staff may be cross as it would affect their 12.5% and then that it wouldn't be fair on my friend Jake (who owns Jake's). Also, it would make my fellow, family diners more at ease if I had a dish of food in front me.
So. I resolved to order something light, within the parameters of the management weight-loss phase that is to follow after my 28 days' abstinence, and that I would not eat it.
The piece of grilled salmon arrived on some minimal leaves with no sauce/dressing as I had requested and for the first long haul of the meal I managed to at least eat some of it and to do it slowly & thoughtfully, turning aside a remaining portion on my plate. But, as the evening wore-on and various subtle inter-familial fissures began to create an undertone of friction, I felt compelled to scoff what was left on my plate.
I think I knew already what I was to have in store for the birthday cakes back at home.
Needless to say, in a furtive, quiet moment with no-one looking, I gulped a large chunk of tarte citron whilst clearing the kitchen back at home. Followed by hoovering a bagel smeared in anything I could find into my mouth. To be honest, I was all set to binge my way through the rest of the tasty, comfort-food contents of our fridge and cupboards. For goodness sake, there is even a tub of mint choc ice cream in there, literally gagging for it!
So, why didn't I continue this lapse into a right-old relapse...?
I made myself think about some of the benefits, above, that my current abstinence-induced weight-loss.has helped bring about. I also employed one the techniques we learn on my wieghtloss programme: ask myself how will I feel in two hours, tomorrow or the day after if I continue with this action?
I also simply reminded myself of the extravagance of compromising my progress with the program when I had put so much time, effort and money into getting this far.
Throwing it away or even just compromising just simply wouldn't be worth it.
Monday 12 July 2010
Wednesday 7 July 2010
Toxic
Day 6 of abstinence.
Today I bumped into a stalwart comrade from the front-line PTA car-boot sale team sitting at a pavement cafe in my neighbourhood.
Thought it seemed appropriate to enjoy a little espresso with him while we caught up.
The effects were horrific.
I have been of the mind that coffee is a real debilitator for a while now e.g. decades but no sooner have I decided to give it up in the past than I find a good, plausible reason to need/want a hot 'n' tasty latte/americano/espresso as hangover-cure/treat/boredom-relief/something-to-dip-a-croissant-into/social-activity.
A great benefit of being in abstinence is having the opportunity to notice what happens when different foods are introduced.
In this case, in a matter of moments of taking a mindful oh-I-am-being-so-continental sip from the little cup I felt my head start to spin and the thoughts it contains begin to jumble. And of course, I could feel my heart-rate and breathing become rapid.
The ninja-like discipline of abstinence allowed me to objectify and separate myself from these feelings and carry-on as if unaffected - even resisting the compulsion to jabber/not listen that so often accompanies heavier coffee-soaked sessions - and we were able to proceed with and conclude happily a long and fruitful dialogue.
But the little java-fix I had had continued to do its work and, by the time I had scooted home on the Vespa, my gut was in twisted agony and I was ready to heave. Water didn't seem to help either.
Relief came when Lucy, my middle child, brought me a cup of peppermint tea and all subsided.
Another, and much more difficult reality to accept is that, for me, alcohol has also become a viscious poison but one that is more insidious.
I am noticing that, without my daily half or whole bottle of wine and regular guiness sessions, am actually beginning to be able to fulfil commitments as well as be more aware of and be more present with others.
It almost goes without saying that a knock-on effect of both coffee and alcohol is an urge to eat regardless of genuine appetite.
A prospect of a life without coffee and alcohol is a rather bleak one right now but I want to use this time to examine whether or not the cost is worth the transitory 'pleasure' and to consider what kind of life that I want to lead and how I want to be/feel one, two, five or ten years from now.
In the same way that I already realise that I don't want a future in which I weigh 25 stones, I think I will realise that I also do want a future in which I am not prevented from living a beautiful life or having access to the better parts of my own mind by either caffeine or booze. That they are just simply not worth it or interesting enough.
Today I bumped into a stalwart comrade from the front-line PTA car-boot sale team sitting at a pavement cafe in my neighbourhood.
Thought it seemed appropriate to enjoy a little espresso with him while we caught up.
The effects were horrific.
I have been of the mind that coffee is a real debilitator for a while now e.g. decades but no sooner have I decided to give it up in the past than I find a good, plausible reason to need/want a hot 'n' tasty latte/americano/espresso as hangover-cure/treat/boredom-relief/something-to-dip-a-croissant-into/social-activity.
A great benefit of being in abstinence is having the opportunity to notice what happens when different foods are introduced.
In this case, in a matter of moments of taking a mindful oh-I-am-being-so-continental sip from the little cup I felt my head start to spin and the thoughts it contains begin to jumble. And of course, I could feel my heart-rate and breathing become rapid.
The ninja-like discipline of abstinence allowed me to objectify and separate myself from these feelings and carry-on as if unaffected - even resisting the compulsion to jabber/not listen that so often accompanies heavier coffee-soaked sessions - and we were able to proceed with and conclude happily a long and fruitful dialogue.
But the little java-fix I had had continued to do its work and, by the time I had scooted home on the Vespa, my gut was in twisted agony and I was ready to heave. Water didn't seem to help either.
Relief came when Lucy, my middle child, brought me a cup of peppermint tea and all subsided.
Another, and much more difficult reality to accept is that, for me, alcohol has also become a viscious poison but one that is more insidious.
I am noticing that, without my daily half or whole bottle of wine and regular guiness sessions, am actually beginning to be able to fulfil commitments as well as be more aware of and be more present with others.
It almost goes without saying that a knock-on effect of both coffee and alcohol is an urge to eat regardless of genuine appetite.
A prospect of a life without coffee and alcohol is a rather bleak one right now but I want to use this time to examine whether or not the cost is worth the transitory 'pleasure' and to consider what kind of life that I want to lead and how I want to be/feel one, two, five or ten years from now.
In the same way that I already realise that I don't want a future in which I weigh 25 stones, I think I will realise that I also do want a future in which I am not prevented from living a beautiful life or having access to the better parts of my own mind by either caffeine or booze. That they are just simply not worth it or interesting enough.
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide
Day 5 of abstinence.
Weighed-in with Marina, my weight-loss counsellor, last night before the start of the men's group session. Pleasantly surprised to find that my weight had already reduced to 99.4Kgs.
Oh the joys of the first four days of abstinence - 5 Kilos/11 pounds shed - albeit mainly water and glycogen probably.
Now that ketosis has kicked-in - (the Ketostix stick registered 4 mmol/L, 40 mg/dL, 0.4 g/L, "Moyen"), the fun really begins and the medical sign-off becomes all-important. Woo-hoo, here we go on the wildest rollercoaster in town (as far as diets go, that is)...
Experienced nice weight-loss benefits on Sunday (two days ago) when running my children's school car boot sale. A new degree of calmness and presence of mind and enough energy to see me through from the 4am start till I closed the gates at 4pm (and not a jot of calorific intake till I got home!)
Struggled yesterday to persuade myself to eat the full complement of 400 calories of foodpacks - appetite had taken a vacation. However, when trying to focus on stuff-I-don't-want-to-do (emails/accounts etc) I noticed an automatic desire to go-make-a-sandwich instead - preferably jam, with loads of butter & on white bread. I realised how much I use food to run away from things that I don't want to confront. But, for the next three-and-a-bit weeks, I will just have to deal with stuff for, as far as food-as-refuge is concerned, there will be nowhere to run to...
Weighed-in with Marina, my weight-loss counsellor, last night before the start of the men's group session. Pleasantly surprised to find that my weight had already reduced to 99.4Kgs.
Oh the joys of the first four days of abstinence - 5 Kilos/11 pounds shed - albeit mainly water and glycogen probably.
Now that ketosis has kicked-in - (the Ketostix stick registered 4 mmol/L, 40 mg/dL, 0.4 g/L, "Moyen"), the fun really begins and the medical sign-off becomes all-important. Woo-hoo, here we go on the wildest rollercoaster in town (as far as diets go, that is)...
Experienced nice weight-loss benefits on Sunday (two days ago) when running my children's school car boot sale. A new degree of calmness and presence of mind and enough energy to see me through from the 4am start till I closed the gates at 4pm (and not a jot of calorific intake till I got home!)
Struggled yesterday to persuade myself to eat the full complement of 400 calories of foodpacks - appetite had taken a vacation. However, when trying to focus on stuff-I-don't-want-to-do (emails/accounts etc) I noticed an automatic desire to go-make-a-sandwich instead - preferably jam, with loads of butter & on white bread. I realised how much I use food to run away from things that I don't want to confront. But, for the next three-and-a-bit weeks, I will just have to deal with stuff for, as far as food-as-refuge is concerned, there will be nowhere to run to...
Saturday 3 July 2010
Metabolism Slam
Day two of abstinence from food.
16:00 - and two food packs (200 calories) eaten. Not particularly hungry but thought it was probably a good idea to eat something.
Yesterday saw only the 400 hundred calories of my food packs pass my lips (along with the gallon of water, of course).
Body shocked as it complained with hunger pangs, weakness & dizziness at the minimal intake after months of limitless consumption.
My mind is okay with it, though. We've been here before and now it reacts with an almost weary recognition of 'ho-hum - here we go again, then'.
As the residue of months of alcohol and food abuse start to leave my system, I already find my thinking starting to become clearer and the glimmer of an ember of self-esteem re-appear, ready to be fanned into life.
Earlier on today, decided to drink lot's of strong PG tips (black of course) as an echo of a normal breakfast experience. This was a really bad idea on an empty stomach. My body revolted at the intake of the bitter tannin fluid which resulted in a nasty spell of vomiting. I laughed with Maria that maybe this was sympathy sickness for the puking that she was doing this morning following a night of heavy drinking. Typically, Maria caning the booze when I am worried that there is so much to be done and our backs are against the wall would rouse my desire to overeat as a way of self-medicating away my tacit resentment. My abstinence has held firm however, and gives me the opportunity to be objective about my choice of response and, instead of resentment, I resolve to be honest and discuss my concerns dispassionately, again (this is a fairly recurring theme).
Cooked bacon & poached eggs for everyone this morning. Despite the deliciousness of how it looked and smelled, it didn't feel hard to resist popping a mouthful and felt pleasure in being able to look after others. One of the benefits of abstinence is to be freer from the obsession & preoccupation with food in order to be more present with other and support/look after them.
Ketosis should set in soon. That's when the drama of ultra-rapid weight-loss will kick-in.
16:00 - and two food packs (200 calories) eaten. Not particularly hungry but thought it was probably a good idea to eat something.
Yesterday saw only the 400 hundred calories of my food packs pass my lips (along with the gallon of water, of course).
Body shocked as it complained with hunger pangs, weakness & dizziness at the minimal intake after months of limitless consumption.
My mind is okay with it, though. We've been here before and now it reacts with an almost weary recognition of 'ho-hum - here we go again, then'.
As the residue of months of alcohol and food abuse start to leave my system, I already find my thinking starting to become clearer and the glimmer of an ember of self-esteem re-appear, ready to be fanned into life.
Earlier on today, decided to drink lot's of strong PG tips (black of course) as an echo of a normal breakfast experience. This was a really bad idea on an empty stomach. My body revolted at the intake of the bitter tannin fluid which resulted in a nasty spell of vomiting. I laughed with Maria that maybe this was sympathy sickness for the puking that she was doing this morning following a night of heavy drinking. Typically, Maria caning the booze when I am worried that there is so much to be done and our backs are against the wall would rouse my desire to overeat as a way of self-medicating away my tacit resentment. My abstinence has held firm however, and gives me the opportunity to be objective about my choice of response and, instead of resentment, I resolve to be honest and discuss my concerns dispassionately, again (this is a fairly recurring theme).
Cooked bacon & poached eggs for everyone this morning. Despite the deliciousness of how it looked and smelled, it didn't feel hard to resist popping a mouthful and felt pleasure in being able to look after others. One of the benefits of abstinence is to be freer from the obsession & preoccupation with food in order to be more present with other and support/look after them.
Ketosis should set in soon. That's when the drama of ultra-rapid weight-loss will kick-in.
Friday 2 July 2010
The time is now
Weight: 104.4Kgs
I picked-up 28 foodpacks from Marina, my weight management counsellor in Hammersmith, London.I will eat nothing else for the next 28 days other than black pepper, black & green teas and tabasco sauce (oh, and there's the 4 litres, minimum of water per day that have to be drunk, too).
I already feel like abandoning this plan.
Why am I continuing...?
Well, for one thing, writing this is helping. A concrete and public statement. It is interesting to notice how this is improving my ability to feel more objective, more in-control already.
Also, recent horrors as a result of carrying this additional weight are still fresh in my mind:
- Almost collapsing with exhaustion when walking with Maria, my wife on a long, rocky ramble on holiday in France last week.
- Running out of breath and panting furiously when doing very little e.g. climbing a dozen stairs or sometimes, somewhat alarmingly, when doing almost nothing at all.
- Knee pain.
- Literally bursting-out of every business shirt I possessed. And we're not just talking button-popping, either. This was full-on, seam-ripping rips.
- Reverting to the shy, insecure (although I'm sure very 'nice') fat boy that I had hoped I had left behind.
Wish me luck!
The battle wages on....
It is July 2nd 2010 and my weight has crept up to 104Kgs.
A recommended strategy that has worked for me in the past is to keep a journal of the thoughts, actions & feelings around food.
I have decided to resume this strategy via this blog. I am hoping that it will help others in the process.
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