Day 6 of abstinence.
Today I bumped into a stalwart comrade from the front-line PTA car-boot sale team sitting at a pavement cafe in my neighbourhood.
Thought it seemed appropriate to enjoy a little espresso with him while we caught up.
The effects were horrific.
I have been of the mind that coffee is a real debilitator for a while now e.g. decades but no sooner have I decided to give it up in the past than I find a good, plausible reason to need/want a hot 'n' tasty latte/americano/espresso as hangover-cure/treat/boredom-relief/something-to-dip-a-croissant-into/social-activity.
A great benefit of being in abstinence is having the opportunity to notice what happens when different foods are introduced.
In this case, in a matter of moments of taking a mindful oh-I-am-being-so-continental sip from the little cup I felt my head start to spin and the thoughts it contains begin to jumble. And of course, I could feel my heart-rate and breathing become rapid.
The ninja-like discipline of abstinence allowed me to objectify and separate myself from these feelings and carry-on as if unaffected - even resisting the compulsion to jabber/not listen that so often accompanies heavier coffee-soaked sessions - and we were able to proceed with and conclude happily a long and fruitful dialogue.
But the little java-fix I had had continued to do its work and, by the time I had scooted home on the Vespa, my gut was in twisted agony and I was ready to heave. Water didn't seem to help either.
Relief came when Lucy, my middle child, brought me a cup of peppermint tea and all subsided.
Another, and much more difficult reality to accept is that, for me, alcohol has also become a viscious poison but one that is more insidious.
I am noticing that, without my daily half or whole bottle of wine and regular guiness sessions, am actually beginning to be able to fulfil commitments as well as be more aware of and be more present with others.
It almost goes without saying that a knock-on effect of both coffee and alcohol is an urge to eat regardless of genuine appetite.
A prospect of a life without coffee and alcohol is a rather bleak one right now but I want to use this time to examine whether or not the cost is worth the transitory 'pleasure' and to consider what kind of life that I want to lead and how I want to be/feel one, two, five or ten years from now.
In the same way that I already realise that I don't want a future in which I weigh 25 stones, I think I will realise that I also do want a future in which I am not prevented from living a beautiful life or having access to the better parts of my own mind by either caffeine or booze. That they are just simply not worth it or interesting enough.
Today I bumped into a stalwart comrade from the front-line PTA car-boot sale team sitting at a pavement cafe in my neighbourhood.
Thought it seemed appropriate to enjoy a little espresso with him while we caught up.
The effects were horrific.
I have been of the mind that coffee is a real debilitator for a while now e.g. decades but no sooner have I decided to give it up in the past than I find a good, plausible reason to need/want a hot 'n' tasty latte/americano/espresso as hangover-cure/treat/boredom-relief/something-to-dip-a-croissant-into/social-activity.
A great benefit of being in abstinence is having the opportunity to notice what happens when different foods are introduced.
In this case, in a matter of moments of taking a mindful oh-I-am-being-so-continental sip from the little cup I felt my head start to spin and the thoughts it contains begin to jumble. And of course, I could feel my heart-rate and breathing become rapid.
The ninja-like discipline of abstinence allowed me to objectify and separate myself from these feelings and carry-on as if unaffected - even resisting the compulsion to jabber/not listen that so often accompanies heavier coffee-soaked sessions - and we were able to proceed with and conclude happily a long and fruitful dialogue.
But the little java-fix I had had continued to do its work and, by the time I had scooted home on the Vespa, my gut was in twisted agony and I was ready to heave. Water didn't seem to help either.
Relief came when Lucy, my middle child, brought me a cup of peppermint tea and all subsided.
Another, and much more difficult reality to accept is that, for me, alcohol has also become a viscious poison but one that is more insidious.
I am noticing that, without my daily half or whole bottle of wine and regular guiness sessions, am actually beginning to be able to fulfil commitments as well as be more aware of and be more present with others.
It almost goes without saying that a knock-on effect of both coffee and alcohol is an urge to eat regardless of genuine appetite.
A prospect of a life without coffee and alcohol is a rather bleak one right now but I want to use this time to examine whether or not the cost is worth the transitory 'pleasure' and to consider what kind of life that I want to lead and how I want to be/feel one, two, five or ten years from now.
In the same way that I already realise that I don't want a future in which I weigh 25 stones, I think I will realise that I also do want a future in which I am not prevented from living a beautiful life or having access to the better parts of my own mind by either caffeine or booze. That they are just simply not worth it or interesting enough.
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