LAPSE

Day 11 of abstinence.
Water: not enough drunk today.

Benefits so far:
- Starting to be able to fit into my clothes again without seams bursting.
- Increased sentience, control and calmness.
- Objectivity about food eating.
- Breathlessness gone!
- Joint pain diminishing.
- Energy beginning to return in fits and starts.
- Skin healthier.
- Increased suppleness.

But, oh my, raise the alarms! My daughter Daisy's birthday today: the site of so many birthday croissant, warm bagels, cream cheese and smoked salmon at breakfast raised combined with a busy and testing early morning (staring with me fixing the toilet cistern at 0730) became part of the fuel for allowing myself to develop a strong sense of 'hunger' and appetite.
My resolve held firm but, each time the delicious looking and smelling food was broken out and as I prepared it, I felt the distance between my desire to lapse and the action to do so become smaller and smaller.

Later this evening at Jakes, our local, favourite restaurant where I waited for Daisy and Maria with Jane, my youngest I noticed some curious logic floating through my head: we were occupying a table for four people, if I don't at least order something then, that will be bad form as the costings will be based on each booked cover (as they call it in the trade) ordering at least something. And then... and then what? Well, I told myself first that the waiting staff may be cross as it would affect their 12.5% and then that it wouldn't be fair on my friend Jake (who owns Jake's). Also, it would make my fellow, family diners more at ease if I had a dish of food in front me.
So. I resolved to order something light, within the parameters of the management weight-loss phase that is to follow after my 28 days' abstinence, and that I would not eat it.

The piece of grilled salmon arrived on some minimal leaves with no sauce/dressing as I had requested and for the first long haul of the meal I managed to at least eat some of it and to do it slowly & thoughtfully, turning aside a remaining portion on my plate. But, as the evening wore-on and various subtle inter-familial fissures began to create an undertone of friction, I felt compelled to scoff what was left on my plate.
I think I knew already what I was to have in store for the birthday cakes back at home.

Needless to say, in a furtive, quiet moment with no-one looking, I gulped a large chunk of tarte citron whilst clearing the kitchen back at home. Followed by hoovering a bagel smeared in anything I could find into my mouth. To be honest, I was all set to binge my way through the rest of the tasty, comfort-food contents of our fridge and cupboards. For goodness sake, there is even a tub of mint choc ice cream in there, literally gagging for it!

So, why didn't I continue this lapse into a right-old relapse...?
I made myself think about some of the benefits, above, that my current abstinence-induced weight-loss.has helped bring about. I also employed one the techniques we learn on my wieghtloss programme: ask myself how will I feel in two hours, tomorrow or the day after if I continue with this action?
I also simply reminded myself of the extravagance of compromising my progress with the program when I had put so much time, effort and money into getting this far.
Throwing it away or even just compromising just simply wouldn't be worth it.